I struggled to find my way, jumping hurdle after hurdle, losing sight of my identity each step of the way and being understood seemed impossible knowing I couldn’t shake this year after year.
Most of my earlier years I didn’t trust my intuition or gut instincts which was a combination of a lack of confidence, family issues and my connection to God. And as years went on my confidence would strengthen but their was nothing to support it. What kept me going was in the back of my mind I truly believed my heart was good and luckily some people in my life made me feel this way. They would see the good in me so that I could, too. However, the struggling didn't seem to end.
Things about me that I kept hidden; my obsession with Sylvia Browne, John Edwards, the show Ghost Whisperer, my years of depression and feeling strong energy pulls and spirits. Painful moments occurred because I was in a world, that on one else saw especially my twin sister. The most significant thing growing up was feeling overly sensitive and not feeling like I was in the right company to express myself, years of commitment issues surrounding boyfriends and of course jobs and later realizing all these issues was due to me being an Empath and not having the right tools.
In my late 20’s to my early 30's, my confidence was building with the help of an amazing therapist, an older man I was dating and the end of my very lengthy college career. I also remember having positive conversations about religion and feeling pulled toward spirituality for the first time.
In control of my happiness for the first time.
During a walk with my dog I looked up to the sun and whispered, “If you’re out and shining your light on me I will find happiness in that.” And this did wonders for me being in control of my happiness for the first time in my life and acknowledging I needed to really connect to myself and look within more but I still couldn't shake this constant empty feeling I had inside and constant struggle with jobs.
Beginning of how I treated death.
One thing that would keep on coming up year after year, my relationship with death. When my Grandpa passed away in 1990, a high school friend in 1995 and my other Grandpa in 2003 and several other deaths, I felt this emptiness and how I wanted to somehow connect deeper but I didn't know what that meant or how to do this. I made a promise to myself to always reach out to someone who lost a loved one and attend any funeral I had a direct or indirect relationship with. This was just the beginning of how I started treating death in my life. Next would be the pull I started to feel towards dog shelters and my focus on senior dogs and starting to mentally prepare to rescue a senior dog once Bella and I were ready.
But my whole career I felt like I was the supporting actor in someone else's life.
My 30's consisted of getting a job, keeping the job and not getting fired from the job. I went from no confidence to an overload of confidence. One thing that became more prevalent for me was seeing people's true colors and inauthentic people being a trigger for me. Feeling everyone's energy was now a full-time job for me. Although I tried to "stay in my lane" I would involve myself in situations to try to help but would only backfire. After I would get fired, let go or simply leave a job, I would look back to try to understand what happened, and every time it seemed I would be there for someone else's benefit. (I was even a matchmaker for my cousin with someone I worked with for only 6 months, then I was let go!) I felt like I was the supporting actor in someone else's life. I would always tell my friends, "The Universe loves telling me what I'm not good at and what I shouldn't be doing." Clearly I was missing something, my guess is because I was an Empath and feeling other people's energy, they would be my daily focus instead of MY energy!
I never felt in alignment with the name or company.
What kept on coming up for me was maybe I wasn't meant to work a 9-5 and I had this pull towards starting my own styling business. With the support of my sisters boyfriend (now husband) and a childhood friend, we built a website and started The Closet Rescue. Obviously, this all made sense since I was a graduate of FIT, worked retail and wholesale after college and loved helping men and women look their best. As much as this was an enate gift of mine which I had my whole life, I never felt in alignment with the name or company. To this day I can't put my finger on it, except their was more for me to do...
I started my conversations with God.
In 2013, two years before my Grandma/best friend passed away, I started my conversations with God. When my Grandma passed away I would be ready to receive her as a spirit and I wouldn't be scared. I didn't see any other way how I was going to get through her passing. Two nights before she passed away I was able to tell her to go to heaven. And the night before her funeral as I was falling asleep she patted my head. And she came back several times after that. I even felt her leave to begin her travels with other family members. Maybe it was all the shows I watched or something I read but I always knew that spirits wont just come visit because you love them or miss them. You have to be somewhat ready and not be scared if they do come. However, they will ALWAYS send signs regardless and Grandma sends me pennies as well as rose scents.
Approach myself with more kindness.
For the first time in my life I started accepting that I was different and just approach myself with more kindness. That I was eventually going to figure this out and happiness was never going to come from a job. I started to realize I had to make some major changes and to connect to my intuition and gut instincts and being more present, accepting and at peace with myself.
What I was doing was constantly asking advice from about 10 people instead of listening to my own. And I was finally acknowledging this and ready to make some changes.
The Universe said, "Start a pet care company."
In one year exactly, 2017-2018, I lost 4 jobs, 2 dogs and was constantly ill. This was a personal low because I was on the wrong path and the Universe was screaming at me but I didn't listen. Suicidal thoughts were at the front of my mind. One day I had a panic attack and called a therapist friend for help. She helped me out of my funk, gave me confidence in my past work/life experiences and showed me how resilient I've been and continue to be. Because I felt so disconnected and had no idea what my next steps should be, on New Year's Day I sat on my couch and after several years not speaking to God or the Universe, I asked "What now?" and I heard "Start a pet care company." Mind. Blown. Why this resonated so much was I was in my third year of rescuing senior dogs which I was confident was my life's purpose. And it seemed at the time to all make sense. Suddenly the next couple weeks it was like this new world opened up and I was being greeted with open arms. Everything was exciting, life was good. Every message that came thru I heard and listened to and acted on with no hesitation and a new message would always follow. I was finally off and running! (The company lasted exactly one year - Continued Puppy Love - I was proud of it and had much momentum but it was not my career. The Universe was teaching me to stop and listen and this is how they did it. This was a test and I passed.)
This was the beginning of what I started to call my "spiritual journey": Rescuing Senior Dogs, Listening To The Universe, Spirit Communication, Falling In Love With Life, Pet & People Reiki and Mediation.
One of the things I did to be successful as a pet care professional was to get certified in Dog CPR and First Aid training. I knew this was a huge necessary next step. While taking the train to class, I felt a man staring at me. I just kept on telling myself not to look. Then I felt faint or I was having a panic attack and thought I was going to fall. Almost asked someone for their seat. I was so confused with all these rush of emotions. I finally asked myself "is this really my feelings?" And then it stopped, I immediately felt fine. Then the man that was staring at me fell to the ground. In that moment I knew I was meant to be there, to be given this experience to know life will never be the same. And those weird feelings I felt all my life were not always mine. And that's why I could never explain them. And it's time to start admitting to myself and others, 'I am an Empath!"
A new spiritual friend introduced me to New York Open Center and (people and places come into your life when you need them the most) recommended the Hands of Light class to me. I didn't even hesitate and signed up right away. It was an all day class about energy healing but also what you need you will find within. While doing a very powerful exercise with 3 other women, we paired up and I immediately had a vision of a little blond girl by a pond. I knew it was for a woman I was next to but was scared. After speaking to her for a minute and her telling me she's a mom living in NJ. I finally told her about my vision. She said, "I have all boys." And I said, "this little girl has passed on". She said, "Yes I lost a child." I asked if she knew it was a girl? She said "No, but I am ok with it, I am at peace."
Reiki, Gratitude & Love
Shortly after, I had an intense sensation, similar to those panic attacks, to book a Reiki session. I called the person I knew locally and she couldn't fit me in that week. Finally I asked the Universe, "What?" And I heard, "DO Reiki."' So I did some research and signed up for Reiki 1 with emphasis on animals. The Universe then showed me several signs to go to Petaluma, CA for Reiki 2 at a senior animal sanctuary. While flying to CA I felt a neighbor's dog who was old and sick go to heaven. This was not my first time feeling this. In 2005 I was flying to FL to say goodbye to my other Grandma and I felt her go to heaven. Both were confirmed when I landed. What Reiki 1 & 2 did for me was bring me in this new light of true GRATITUDE. And that eventually lead to LOVE! I was leading with my heart and in love with life. Finally!
Because of this journey, I decided to call one of my sister's college friends about something that happened in 2011. It was important for me to share my story with her. We were in the backyard of her home and she is telling my sister and I about her divorce and her kids. Every time she mentioned her eldest son I would get this panicked feeling. Finally, I knew it was a spirit that had a message for her but I had no confidence and worse not a mom. I was so scared to speak up. So many overwhelming emotions happening at once. But the spirit was getting restless and decided to basically jump into my body and speak, so I basically yelled out, "He's going to be fine! Everything is going to be fine." I called Amy to tell her this and while speaking I said male spirit and started to cry. (I didn't know this before.) She confirmed it was her Dad that was super close to her son and he died in 2011.
"In this work, Mediation is a non-negotiable."
During this time I would constantly meet people who were spiritual expanders for me; people who connected with me on a spiritual level or who would become invested in my journey. This also helped my confidence and to keep going. And then I was introduced to Maddie. Long story short, she changed my life even more. She told me if I was going to be doing this work and connect spiritually then I MUST meditate. I of course gave her every excuse in the book. She said, "Meditation is a non-negotiable in this work." So my spiritual journey became even more expansive because I invested in the work of Reiki and Meditation and both world's collided in the most beautiful way. Now I can finally say (scream) that I am stepping into my power, on the path meant for me, owning my gifts, finally believing in a higher power, and ready to share my gifts with you! I AM FREE AND IN LOVE! I want to guide you on your journey to unlock your true potential, allowing me to clear the energy around your space and increase your confidence to connect you to your greater purpose!
More On My Reiki Journey & Animals:
Growing up with animals my entire life allowed me to learn early on what it meant to be a pet owner. And after a big family move, the family dog became mine, which in turn made me the one to make the hard decision of her end of life plans. After taking 4 years to properly heal, Bella Mia arrived and it was everything I hoped for and more. My partner in crime. When she finally became a senior my desire to rescue a senior male dog became to strong to ignore. Enter Powder Gi my twirling blind overweight Shihtzu. The first month was devastating, navigating through Powder's terrible cough, health issues and specific diet. Needless to say I learned a lot about health, dog food and mom guilt, having a second dog. While he was only here for a year and a half, he helped me realize my true life's purpose and passion for rescuing dogs, which would guide me to become a pet care professional, CPR & First Aid trained and a Reiki Master.
What I love about Reiki is, it's a powerful yet gentle and loving technique to facilitate overall wellness for any living being. Even healthy people and pets can have occasional physical, emotional and mental imbalances that if untreated can manifest to an illness. Energetic imbalances can be shared with a person and their pet. So joint treatments can often be beneficial and offer great bonding opportunities. My other passion is assisting people with their end of life plans to provide the least amount of anxiety while their pets cross the Rainbow Bridge.
I currently and happily reside in Weehawken, NJ with Bella Mia & Sexy Rexy. My favorite things to do is spend time with my pups, workout, meditate, reiki my pups, follow full moons and be the best Aunt possible!